


Part II: Growing Pains

by Oliver_do_the_twist



Series: The Outlaw Brooks [2]
Category: Historical Fiction, Original Work
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Adolescent crushes, Alone, Angst, Betrayal, Character Death, Coming of Age, Country & Western, Dark Past, F/M, Family Feels, Gen, Growing Up, Idealism vs realism, Mentions of Prostitution, Minor Violence, Non-Consensual Kissing, Regret, Second Chances, Survival, Western, well almost lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:14:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27553666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oliver_do_the_twist/pseuds/Oliver_do_the_twist
Summary: Robert Brooks, formally known as Jim Becker, is the one thing he can't stand being in this world; alone. After the life shattering event that happened about a year ago, Robert must learn to survive, and find out what lengths he is willing to go to do it.
Relationships: Robert Brooks/ Lillian Everett
Series: The Outlaw Brooks [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1981831
Comments: 12
Kudos: 2





	1. Freezing Air and Freezing Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> you all can have an early update,,, as a treat. Just a quick note to clear any confusion about Jim/ Robert's name, I didn't know how to transition into using his new alias, so I just jumped right ahead and started calling him Robert in the writing. Trust me, it will all come around eventually.

**San Luis Valley**

**1868**

Robert pulled his coat closer to his skin. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing. He had taken it off a dead man he had come across frozen in the snow on the outskirts, the gloves he wore too. He figured that the man didn't need them anymore. He must've died in one of the treacherous blizzards that often sweep through the valley. Robert was sure he would probably die the same way soon. He cradled his shivering arms and breathed into the palm of his hands to try to get some feeling back. He had hoped by getting out of the mountains and going south, that he wouldn't have to face a hard winter, but it seemed that both the winters and the people in this town were as cold as the mountains he came from. Apparently he didn't go far enough south.

His breath steamed all around him, clouding his face from the few street goers. Not that they were paying attention to him anyways. They seemed perfectly content to let him freeze to death. How he longed for Reverend Joseph's kindness right now. 

He tucked his head between his knees and scrunched his eyes shut. If he wasn't so dehydrated he would've cried. He thought of Charles, he thought of his bloody body on the store’s floor. He had held out hope that he would see him again, but if Charles wasn't already dead, Robert soon would be.

The wind started to pick up, causing flurries of snowflakes to swirl around him. He lifted his head up to the sky to see ominous storm clouds rolling over the distant mountains. His chin trembled,  _ this is it _ , he thought as he heard the shutting doors of townspeople’s businesses to keep the oncoming storm outside. He tucked his head back into his arms.

The soft crunch of hasty footsteps passed by him but halted. Robert didn't bother looking up at the person. Even when he heard the footsteps slowly make his way to him. 

He felt a shake on his shoulder, “Hey kid,” a clear feminine voice rang out over the wind.

Robert lifted his head to see a bundled up young woman looking back at him. Most of her face was covered, but her dark olive skin and serious dark eyes peered through her scarf.

She motioned for him to get up, “come on,” she said over the wind, “follow me if you want to get out of this!”

Robert looked up at her, the question of why she was helping him came into his mind, but he decided not to think about it for too long. He tucked his trembling hands under his arms as he feebly stood to his feet and started to trudge through the snow after her.

The wind was howling now, and the sky was darkening. Snowflakes flew all around his face and the woman in front of him began to disappear from his sight in the flurries. He called out to her but he could barely hear his own voice over the wind.

He started to panic, all he could see was white. He continued to walk in what he believed was the direction she was headed. He could no longer see her footprints either. The snow was covering everything fast. 

After what felt like forever standing there in the frigid, angry, air, he started to make out a dark figure trudging toward him with an extended hand. He took it and held on for dear life, following wherever it tugged him. 

Finally, he was led through a doorway. He peered through his frozen eyelashes to find what looked like the interior of an old barn. Except there were no animals or farming equipment. There were however, signs of life, like a pile of blankets on the ground resembling a bed. Next to the bed was a cold campfire, and what looked like canned food.

The young woman went straight to making a new fire. Robert stood there watching her strike the flint and steel. Wanting to thank her but unable to move his cold tongue. Suddenly the ground around him lurched. He fell to the ground just as a flame burst to life in front of the woman. She looked back and gasped. She sprung up and went over to the cans. Robert watched from on the ground as she rummaged through the stacks until she found an empty one. She quickly went over to the door and opened it, causing a burst of wind to be blown in his face. 

She tugged the door shut and went straight to the fire, and set a can of snow on the burning flames. Robert watched as the snow melted into warm water, and she took the can off the fire with metal tongs. Her gloved hands took the water over to him and propped him up on her knees. She started to pour the warm water into his mouth, and Robert gratefully accepted. He could feel the warmness of a single sip flood his weak body. He finished off the can and she got up to make another. 

Three or four cans later, Robert felt strong enough to sit up again. Already he was getting feeling back in his fingertips. 

The quiet crackle of the fire was a stark contrast to the raging storm outside. Robert had covered himself in blankets, being sure to leave enough for her, and held his hands and feet as close as possible to the fire. “Thank you,” he managed to say.

“Sure,” the young woman said as she looked into the flames.

“What’s your name?” he asked horsley.

She looked up at him, “Lillian.”

He nodded, “Robert.”

She nodded in return.

They opened a can of peaches and shared the contents. Robert wasn't sure he had tasted anything so beautiful in his life.

It wasn't long until his body collapsed in exhaustion. The last thing he saw before falling asleep was the cracking fire in front of his nose.


	2. Begrudging Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert learns a thing or two about his new roomate

Robert woke up to a beam of sunlight across his eyes. The first thing he noticed was how empty his stomach still felt. He sat up, fully expecting to still be out in an alley, but was pleasantly surprised to find a roof over his head, and a dying fire just to his left. Just then everything came back from last night. He looked around the barn in search of Lillian, but it was empty except for the dust motes floating through the beams of light. 

He stood up and stretched his arms over his head, despite his hunger pains, he felt more vitalized than he had in a few weeks. Who knew drinking the proper amount of water would do that to a person? 

Robert walked over to the horse stalls on the other side of the barn, it was possible that she was in one of those. The first stall was empty, but the second had an old chest in the corner, thinking perhaps it held more blankets, Robert opened the stall door and knelt down to open it.

Inside didn't have any blankets, but what looked like a few letters with a picture on top. The picture was of two girls, who Robert assumed were sisters because of their alike features. The two girls seemed about fifteen and ten years old. He looked at the papers behind the photo and quickly realized they were letters addressed to Lillian. An unpleasant feeling pooled in his stomach as he realized he must've stumbled on something very private and important to her. He quietly and neatly put the photograph and letters back in their place and closed the lid.

The barn door suddenly opened, causing a stream of light to flood into the stall Robert was in.

“Hey! What are you doing in there? Get out of there!” Lillian's voice came from the doorway. 

Robert shot up, “I-I was just, ah, looking for more blankets,” he said, “are there any in this chest?”

“No, get out of there,” she said sternly.

Robert did as he was told and walked over to the fire. He saw that Lillian was heaving a big bucket of snow into the barn. She was still bundled up so much that only her dark eyes could be seen peeking through the fabric. She looked at the dying fire and frowned.

“Get some wood, would ya?” she said slightly annoyed as she inclined her head to a stack of firewood in the corner behind the door.

“Y-yes of course,” Robert said as he stumbled over to the pile. He grabbed a few logs and placed them carefully on the weakening fire.

It wasn't long until it was back to a reasonable roar and Lillian set the bucket of snow over the flames. She plopped down across from Robert and reached for her pile of canned goods. Picking one out, she peeled back the lid and gave it to Robert.

“We share two of these a day, got it? No more,” she said.

“Got it,” Robert said as he emptied half of the can of sour sweet apricots into his mouth, licking up juice that had fallen from his lips. He passed it back to her and she finished it off. In doing so, she took away the scarf covering her face. 

Robert involuntarily gasped. She was beautiful, her face was slim and a dark olive shade with slight freckles that only brought out her dark brown eyes even more. Her eyelashes were thick and dark like her hair.

She frowned at his reaction, and he could feel the blood run to his cheeks. He quickly looked away. 

Robert looked over to the pile of cans, he realized that they wouldn't have lasted long, maybe a few weeks, but with him here it would be about half that. She didn't owe him a thing, he didn't even know her, so why had she saved him?

“-Why did you help me?” Robert asked. “I mean I sure am grateful for it, but…”

“But what?” she asked.

“But having me here would only use up your supplies faster. Why save me?”

She looked him up and down, “you're tall.”

He frowned, “What?”

“You heard me.”

“Why would you need someone tall? To see over the snow?”

She shook her head in annoyance, “No, of course not. I needed someone tall to sneak into the Harrison’s storehouse high window to take just enough food to survive the winter. You fit the bill.”

“And you just expect me to go along in your thevin’?”

“Well considering I saved your life, I thought you would be happy to do whatever I want.” 

Robert noticed then that she barely ever had a kind tone to her voice.

“-and if I’m being honest, you look like you've robbed your fair share anyways,” she said.

“Yeah? So? What if I don't want to rob anymore?”

“Then you can die of starvation.”

Robert sighed, he knew better than anyone just how right she was. “I was trying to be an honest person before I came to this town.”

“So why ain't you then?”

“Honest folk don't seem to like me, no matter how honest I try to be.”

"Hmm," she said as she took the bucket off the fire.

“So you didn't save me out of the kindness of your heart?”

She shrugged as she dunked an empty can into the water, “that too I guess.”

Robert took the can of water she offered and sipped on it. Despite the nice fire, it was still cold in the old barn. He was very grateful for the warm water that was readily on hand.

“So, if we're gonna be spending at least the winter together, We should get to know each other,” he said, leaning on his hand to the side.

She gave him one of those frowns she was so good at, and kept her mouth shut.

Robert clicked his tongue. “...Okay, I’ll go first then,” he said, “I’m not entirely sure where or when I was born exactly, I don't know who my family is, and I think I am close to sixteen, but I grew up in Boston. I came out to the mountains with the railroad and a friend in search of a better life, we got separated and I came down south to escape the winters in the mountains. But, I guess I didn't go far enough.”

“That's all?” she asked, “That ain't much of a story.”

“Well, I don't know you well enough to tell you all the dramatics.”

“In that case,” she began, “I’m seventeen. I was born in Oregon, but I had to leave when I was around fifteen, so I came here.”

Robert shifted his weight to the other hand. “You gonna tell me why you had to leave?”

“No.” 

He nodded his head, “-Alright then, I won't push,” he said. 

“Why do you wear that gun? Why don't you sell it?” she asked.

“Oh, now you're asking the questions?”

“Just answer ‘em,” she sighed.

Robert smirked, “No.”

That earned him another frown. They sat in slightly tense silence for a moment or two while they sipped their warm water. Finally Robert spoke up:

“So, tell me about the storehouse we was gonna rob?”

“I thought you was stayin’ honest,” she chided.

“I’m staying honest with myself about how the world is. I’ll do it.”

The closest thing that Robert had seen come to approval crossed her face. “It belongs to one of the richer ranchers around here, Mr. Harrison. They always have more than enough stocked in there,” she said. “If we sneak in every week, and just take what we can carry, they won't even notice the little bit’s gone, and we will live through the winter.” 

“And you need me to jump through the window that you can't reach, right?”

“Yes, then toss the food out the window for me to catch it.”

“That sounds easy enough, as long as no one sees us.”

“That's why we do it at night,” she said, “it's quite away from the town. No one will be there at that time.”

“I like it, when would we go?”

“I was hoping tonight, we are running low as you could probably tell.”

Robert smirked and crossed his arms, “How about this, I’ll make you a deal, for every robbery I help you, you have to tell me something about yourself.”

“That's an awful deal, I’m not doing it.”

“Fine, for every job I’ll tell you something about myself too.”

She eyed him, “you're really sticking to this?”

He nodded resolutely.

“Fine,” she groaned.

Robert smiled.


	3. Survival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert learns exactly where Lillian's allegiances lie.

The two thieves left the safety of their old barn after the sun had sunk far from the horizon. They stayed away from any populated part of town as they made their way across the snowy landscape. As Robert marched through the snow he realized he missed the horse he had from the railroad. Not only could he ride her through all this snow, but he never liked how he had just left her tied up to a tree in that mountain town. Not that he could've set her free before he was captured, but he still hoped she found a good owner.

The only difficulty they had that night was prying the old window open. The storeroom really was all around deserted. Robert hoisted himself through the high up window with relative ease, but fell rather ungracefully into the barn. His body refused to stop growing, and he found a lot of his movements lately had been more clumsy. He began to intentionally pick out what they would take, only what they would need for the week. He worked from the parts that were already picked from by the owners, so as to not raise any suspicion.

He tossed the goods to Lillian who arranged each of their bags as Robert jumped out of the window and closed it. 

Not only did he snatch canned goods, he got some dried meat as well. He never thought he would ever be this excited to eat some actual protein. His mouth watered and his stomach rumbled just thinking about it.

With the bags hiding under their big coats, they started back.

Robert was grateful it wasn't snowing, the night was clear and a few lights glowed and flickered from houses. The saloon, the most active part of town, was a street away which meant everyone here was fast asleep in their houses or at the saloon, perfect for sneaking around.

Robert's eyes spotted a few dark figures huddled under one of the lights, battling the same fight he was just a day ago.  _ Almost everyone _ , he thought. 

As he got closer he made out what looked like a young woman and a child. Robert couldn't tell if it was a boy or girl, their face was covered as their mother shared what body heat she could with them in a desperate hug. 

Robert didn't even think, he deviated from Lillian's path in front of him and trudged through the snow toward the pair, opening his bag and grabbing all the dried meats he carried. 

He held the food out to them. "Hey," he said softly, "take this."

The mother looked up from her huddle. For a moment she just looked confused, but Robert insisted she take it. Her hands tentatively wrapped around the jerky, which would last a person a few days, and her face lit up in indescribable gratitude.

"Thank you so much… I don't know what to say…" she stammered, "you've answered my prayers."

"Just, make it last," he said as he began to turn away, "actually,” he turned back around, “do you and your kid have anywhere to get out of the cold?" 

The woman shook her head with sad anxious eyes.

"You could come with me and-"

The rest of Robert's offer was cut off with a rough hand yanking him away from the mother and child. He was dragged to the nearest alleyway and slammed against the hard wooden wall, banging his head in the process.

His eyes instinctively shut in pain as he tried to bring his hand up to feel for damage to his head, but found his arms were pinned. He opened his eyes to find livid brown ones staring back at him.

"You will not give away our food. Got it?" Lillian seethed. She articulated each word as if she were disciplining an unruly child.

Robert looked back at her in bewilderment, unable to speak at the sudden outburst from her.

" Got it?" She repeated venomously.

"But- those people- they didn't have anything- they-"

" _ We  _ don't have anything.  _ We  _ need to make sure we survive before the rest of the world does," she said, not loosening her grip on him.

He was getting uncomfortable now, "we have enough to make sure they don't have to die! If we can help we should!"

Her lips pursed, she took a short angry breath and it steamed all around them. "You want to know your one thing about me for this robbery?" She hissed, "I'm a survivor. And I will do anything it takes to survive."

"Even if it means letting people who you could've helped die?" Robert retorted.

Lillian's brow tightened. Her eyes studied him for a few moments as he glared back at her in indigment.

She suddenly leaned in and kissed him. Robert's neck stiffened and his eyes went wide in discomfort. She leaned away and looked at him with an unreadable expression. She let him go and started the walk back to the barn again. But he stayed where he was. 

His body was as frozen as his surroundings, for a moment the only thing moving in him was his rapidly beating heart and his racing mind. What the hell was that? Why did she do that? Last time he checked that wasn't a normal thing a person did in a situation like that.

He slowly came to, and started to follow her foot prints out of the alleyway. He surveyed the street and once again it was empty besides the small shivering family under the light. 

Again, he made his way over to them. The crunching of his footsteps alerted them of his presence once again and they looked at him with hope-filled eyes.

Robert blinked. "I'm sorry…" he said slowly, still trying to wrap his mind around what just happened. "I-I can't let you come with me…"

Their eyes became downcast as they accepted their reality. It hurt Robert's heart to see their hopelessness.

"Damn it, here," he said as he began to shrug off his coat, "take this, it's better than what you have. I wish I could do more." He handed them his coat and walked away, unable to bear just standing there and not offering them a warmer place to spend the night. His heart begged him to go back and lead them to the barn. But his mind said Lillian was right. They simply couldn't take care of more people. Maybe if they survived through the winter she would be more lenient on these kinds of things.

Maybe.


	4. Opening Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Lillian learn a bit more about each other

So far Robert learned four things about Lillian. First, She was a survivor, she made that very clear to him. Second, She hates oatmeal, but she didn't give a reason why. Third, she was very good with a gun, saying her father was a gunsmith. And fourth, she was very stubborn and difficult. But Robert didn't need her to tell him that after a weekly robbery to find that out.

All these weeks together they had done nothing but haul in buckets of snow and sit around the fire. However, even with all that time, he never brought up the kiss. Every time he thought of it, his chest tightened in embarrassment. He had never told her but that was technically his first kiss. And it didn't help his embarrassment that she was unbelievably beautiful. However, it still didn't sit with him right how it happened. 

As Robert lay with his head in his hands, and Lillian sitting across the fire from him, he longed that he had something to read. He missed his old torn up dime novels and books that he had hauled over the mountains with him. He could imagine them sitting at the camp outside Independence waiting for him to return and read them, only for plants and moss to overtake them as time went by. Even though they weren't alive, it saddened him to think they would live out their days slowly becoming more dirt, never to be opened or enjoyed again.

"Hey, Lil, if you ever come across some books or a dime novel would you get it for me?" He asked over the slight wind from outside.

"What, you can read?" She asked, looking up from her emptying can of food. 

"Yeah, I can, can't you?" He asked, turning his head toward her.

"No, I can't."

"I could teach ya, if you wanted."

She was silent as she clenched her jaw, her face was unreadable. "Maybe," she said after a while.

He shrugged, "okay, well I'm not going anywhere soon."

It was quiet for a few moments except for the crackling fire and snowy breeze outside. 

"Is that why you carry around that Colt? Lillian asked.

"Huh? Is what why-"

"I mean you like those stupid dime novels that have all those fake gunslingers in em, is that why you carry that gun? To be like them?"

Robert frowned, "no, not exactly. Although I'm pretty sure I am- I mean was, named after Jim Boy Callahan by one of the orphanage maids."

"-but your name's Robert…"

"I changed it. I became wanted up north."

She nodded, "okay… you could probably change it back now, if you wanted."

"I honestly don't think it matters what I'm called, I don't have a family, I don't have a home, I'm probably gonna die in the woods somewhere without anyone caring if Jim Becker or Robert Brooks was gone."

"I think I would care…" Lillian murmured above the crackle of the fire.

Robert looked over to her, unsure if he heard her correctly, "what?" 

Her eyes widened, "I mean, ah, what about your friend, the one who was separated from you, he would care right?"

Robert paused as he realized he had accidentally gotten her to show some positive sentiment toward him, and the slightest smile came across his face. But it was short lived as he thought of the answer to her question.

"I'm sure Charles would be devastated, but I don't think he's alive anymore."

“I-I’m sorry to hear that…”

There was more awkward silence for a moment.

"Why don't you sell it? The gun I mean, it's worth a small fortune-" she piped up.

"-it was a gift from Charlie, I'm never gonna sell it."

Lillian leaned in closer, "what exactly happened to you guys?" She asked.

Robert leaned forward in annoyance and frowned, "why don't you answer some of my questions before I give my life story out to a person I know almost nothing about?"

She put her hands up in surrender and backed off, "alright, alright, I- sorry. What do you want to know?"

He crossed his arms in front of his chest. "How about why you left Oregon?"

Her eyes widened and she swallowed a lump in her throat. "I um, my sister…" 

Robert's arms fell from their angry position as he saw how much the question saddened her, her eyes began to well up, and her chin trembled. He thought of the younger girl in the photograph, and started to regret asking her that question. 

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to…" he said sheepishly.

She shook her head and took a deep breath. "No, no, it's only fair, I'll tell you."

He nodded slowly, and waited for her to continue.

"My sister, she's dead because of me," she said heavily. "It was a hunting accident. So I ran away. I couldn't stand to face my parents."

"...I blame myself for Charlie's death… If I hadn't been caught, he wouldn't have been beaten to death trying to save me, I know what that feels like," he said, trying to offer some support.

"...That's different Robert," she said sternly, "I had to watch my bullet tear through my little sister, I had to carry her body home to my parents." Tears began to fall down her face. "I had to see their love for me fade because I wasn't their daughter anymore, I was a murderer. I had to leave the only family I'd ever known…"

Robert was quiet for a moment, his eyes focused on the fire. "I'm sorry. That- sounds like hell." 

"It is. From then on I-I did what I had to to make money and get out there. Anything I could do to survive." Her fingers subconsciously tightened around her shirt collar. 

His chest tightened as he realized what she must've put herself through to be sitting here in front of him. He suddenly felt guilty for noticing how pretty she was. "This world is unforgiving," he said quietly, "I'm sorry."

"It's not as bad when you're not alone though, I think I forgot that after all this time." She looked up and smiled sadly.

He returned her smile, "I agree."

She looked away once she saw Robert smiling at her, and her smile was replaced with a frown, although it didn't have the anger that usually came with her frowns. This one was sad, and hesitant. She didn't want to let him in, even after sharing everything she had.

Robert's smile faded as well. He knew she didn't have to let him in if she didn't want to, but being with another person these past few weeks made him realize just how much he missed having human connection. He had been hoping to find that relationship again in Lillian. And if he was really being honest with himself, something more than just friendship. But he knew now he might be looking in the wrong place. 

Her life had hardened her, and forced it's cruel lessons down her throat. He could tell she came to the conclusion that in order to survive, she had to keep everyone at an arm's length. That's why she was so mean to him, she didn't want to be nice and thus break the rules of surviving.

But he wanted to be the one to show her that loving people was important too. The way Robert saw it, if everyone actually cared and loved everyone, there wouldn't be anyone like him and Lillian. People who were starving and dying in the streets. If he could be that loving person to at least one person in need, he might show them just how important love toward his fellow man is.

Robert had laid back down. Through the cracks in the barn walls, he could see the last light of day highlighting the opposite wall and the dust motes floating in the bleak air. Some far off coyote howled, welcoming the oncoming night. He folded his hands into a makeshift pillow and rolled over, all the while contemplating everything they had talked about and more.


	5. Second Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert gives Lillian some news

The last weeks of winter were at hand. The snow was beginning to recede from the edges of buildings and trees. Soon the muddy earth could be seen in the streets and the sound of droplets from snow melt could be heard almost everywhere. Spring was coming, and that meant that Lillian and Robert had survived the winter. 

But what now?

Lillian only needed Robert through the winter, he wasn't sure what she would do with him now. This town was mainly agricultural, with the bulk of their ~relievable goods~ being produced in the warmer months. More people were walking the streets, summertime businesses were opening their doors. Now that there were other ways to find food and money besides that storehouse, he was sure any day now Lillian would be telling him to take a hike and find another decrepit barn to live in.

But despite her cold nature, Robert really cared for Lillian, and every so often she made it slip that she cared for him too, in her own way. He found he trusted her, and wanted to stay with her wherever she went and protect her from this awful world. He saw her as a person, not a murderer or an object. 

“Hold still Jim Boy, you're gonna make me mess up,” Lillian said as Robert heard the satisfying sound of scissors slicing through hair and saw a tuft fall from his head in his peripheral vision.

He tried to hold his bouncing leg still, but it was falling asleep after sitting there for so long. “You're taking forever, Lil,” he said.

“I’m almost done…” she said as he heard one last snip from the back of his head, “There.”

Robert stood from the stiff chair and rolled his shoulders, shaking loose any itchy hairs stuck in his shirt. His fingers ran through his freshly cut hair and his brow went up in surprise. “Wow, you cut it short,” he said.

“What, you worried you won't look good for the ladies?” 

He laughed, slightly uncomfortable, “No, it’s just I don't think it's ever been this short before.”

“I believe it, it was getting bad.”

He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes, “Lil- can I ask you something?” he said as he faced her. There were actually many things that he wanted to ask her, but he settled on just one. “How do you feel about me? I mean truthfully, do you still want me around after the snow is gone?”

Her mouth parted, and her own sweet smile faded from her face, “truthfully?” she asked.

He nodded carefully, bracing himself for her answer. 

“Originally, no.”

“But- what about now?”

She chewed on her lip in thought, “I don't think I would've ever said this to anyone before I met you, but I think I would like you to stick around. You're different from everyone else, you actually care.”

Robert's head lifted a little higher, and he smiled lovingly. “I’ll stay as long as you want me,” he said.

She returned his loving smile, a sight so rare on her face that his heart jumped in his chest. But her brow furrowed in thought and her smile disappeared, “There is something though…” She said, “I've been wanting to ask you to do it for a long time.”

“Anything.” 

She looked into his eyes before turning away and disappearing into the far horse stall, the one with the forbidden chest. He heard her open it, and the rustling of paper. She came back with the letters addressed to her in hand. 

“I've had them for so long, I've just been alone. I know they’re my father's handwriting, I just don't know what they say,” her worried and sad eyes poured over the papers. She looked up at him and said with a tight voice, “Will you read them to me?” 

Robert nodded, “of course I will,” he reached out for the papers, and Lillian hesitated to give them to him for a moment, but gave in and handed them over.

The two sat down side by side against the barn wall. Robert began;

“Our dearest sweet Lilly,” he read, “your mother and I are worried sick about you. We never wanted this. We know you would never do anything to intentionally hurt your sister, and I have convinced the sheriff that you are innocent of murder. We never wanted you to leave us like this. Please come home. Matthew misses you ever so much.” at this, he could hear sobs coming from Lillian, he stopped reading for a moment to glance her way. “With you gone we have lost both our daughters, the house is hauntingly empty, I cannot bear to step foot in your old room. We have left it exactly how you left it, it is waiting for you as we are. I do hope you find a way to read this, it is now one of our greatest regrets we didn't send you to school. We love you, please come home. Your mother and father, Kathrine and Henry Everett.”

The room became still, the only thing that could be heard was Lillian's whimpering. He looked over to find her head in her hands and her knees to her chest. Her shoulders were shaking.

“Lil-”

“What have I done?” she cried through muffled hands. “I threw away my life…”

“Lillian,” Robert said as he put his hand on her shaking shoulder and turned to face her. “You have a second chance to have a normal life, you can start over.”

“I can't face them after what I've done, Robert I'm not the same person they raised…” 

“It seems like they know that you've changed, Lil, they want you back anyway. How long have they been waiting for you?”

She took a shaky breath in and glanced up at his eyes before continuing, “two years. I left two years ago.”

“You  _ can't  _ wait any longer. You have to go back.”

“I’ve done so many horrible things…”

“You have a home, Lil, a family who cares about you. You have the most precious thing in the world. You have no idea how lucky you are,” he put his other hand on her shoulder and made eye contact with her, “don't throw it away again.”

Her lip trembled and she put a hand on top of his, “Will you come with me?”

Robert straightened his back, the hand she wasn't holding fell from it's place on her shoulder, he looked down and blinked, “You- you mean all the way to Oregon?”

“I would want you to be with me.”

“I don't know- I- I can't just leave the territory…”

She frowned her puffy red eyes, “Why not?”

He looked at her with his mouth agape, wanting to say something but unable to think of what.

“What's keeping you here?” she asked.

“I just- what if Charles is still alive? How will he find me in Oregon?”

“You would stay in this Godforsaken town and leave me to go alone based on a ‘what if?’” her face became redder, “if you want me to go, you come with me.”

Robert looked down, he hesitated before answering. The weight from Charles’s gun on his hip made itself known. “I guess you're right…” he said. Though he didn't fully believe it. Would he ever be able to sleep if he left? Would he ever get over the feeling that he just missed Charles, and maybe if he had been there for perhaps a day longer they would have been reunited? There was a chance he was still alive, would he throw away that chance of seeing him again? His heart clenched in anxiety and fear. But he was too afraid to try to fight Lillian on the matter. Despite his life forcing him into adulthood early, he still felt just as lost and naive as a small child. 

“We're gonna need money,” she said. “Enough to get us out of here and past a few towns. Maybe for transportation too.”

Robert nodded silently. His eyes were wide. He was going to Oregon. He was leaving Charles


	6. What We Do For Money

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is shocked to find out what Lillian has done

The past week had been spent mostly in town. With more people out on the streets, there was more money to be taken. The whole time Robert walked around in the nice spring weather almost in a haze. His head told him once again that Lillian was right. In Oregon he could make a good life for himself, he could start over with Lillian and live with her family in an actual house. But his heart was telling him to stay. How many years had he spent with Charles? If there was even the slightest hope he was still alive, Robert couldn't abandon it.

This kind of thinking had kept him up for nights on end. He was tired. But that didn't stop his sticky fingers from doing their job while he was in the saloons and streets. They had to make money. They had to go to Oregon.

He closed the old barn door behind him. He kicked off the mud caked on his boots, and leaned against the back of it. He let out a sigh and went to drop off the days pickings in the chest. That was where they had agreed to store the money. 

He was exhausted. His mind felt foggy and his head hurt. He sat down on his pile of sleeping blankets and decided a nap was needed. He laid down, and just as his eyes closed, he heard the sound of the barn door opening, and he lifted his head to see Lillian close the door behind her.

“How’d you get on?” she asked. She looked disheveled. Her cheeks were bright red and her hair was out of place.

“... Fine, I got about five whole dollars off of people in the saloon.” he said. “I was just gonna take a nap. What about you?”

“I got ah, twenty dollars offa one feller…” 

Robert propped himself up and looked at her. She avoided his gaze and swallowed a lump in her throat.

“...How did you get that much money, Lil?” he asked cautiously. 

She began to walk toward the chest, keeping her head down. “doesn't matter, it matters that I got it.” She shut the stall door behind her, cutting off the possibility of further conversation.

Robert’s heart sank. He knew how she had gotten that money. He hated money. He hated how much hurt it caused people.

He laid his head down again and sighed, closing his eyes and taking a break from this cruel world for a little while.

**~**

Robert woke to the afternoon sunlight streaking through the cracks in the barn walls. Something felt off. Something wasn't quite right. He sat up and looked around. Lillian wasn't around, but that wasn't out of order necessarily. Nothing around him was different or strange. 

He stood up and looked around again. In confusion he put his hands on his hips, and that's when it hit him. His gun was missing.

The familiar weight from the precious gift was gone. The holster was empty. "Oh no, no no no…" he said as he frantically began searching the room. He looked under all the blankets and rustled through the money chest. He looked everywhere and as each place came up empty he began to panic more and more. 

He had to slow down. When did he last have it? He knew he had it in the saloon. He had worn a long coat so it was unlikely anyone picked it off of him there. He was sure he had it when he came back to the barn -or maybe he didn't. His head was whirling and he couldn't think straight. How could he have lost Charles's gun? How could've he been so careless?

Tears began to well up in his eyes as he thought about the possibility that he would never see the gun again. It seemed that the world bent on pushing him away from his best friend. And he seemed powerless to it's attacks. 

He wiped the tears from his eyes and began to tear the barn apart once more, coming up as empty handed as the first time. 

He finally collapsed among the mess he made and hung his head. Tears fell from his cheek. His chest heaved. That gun was more than a weapon. It was like Charles was still right by his side, protecting him. It was as if wherever he went, even all the way to Oregon, Charles would be with him. Now it was gone too. Losing that gun was like losing Charles all over again. 

Suddenly the barn door creaked open, and Lillian stepped through. Robert quickly wiped away his tears and took a shaky deep breath on an effort to compose himself. 

Lillian looked around at the mess. "Jesus what happened here?" She said, "was we robbed?"

"No, maybe" he said quietly, not making eye contact with her, "I lost Charlie's gun."

Lillian looked around at the mess again, suddenly her eyes went wide and her mouth fell open. "You-you did this looking for your gun?”

He nodded.

"I didn't know you cared about it so much…"

"It was the last thing... the last thing I had of him."

Lillian didn't move, she was frozen. She quickly stuffed whatever was in her hand in her pocket. “I… I didn't know… when I-I-”

Robert looked up at her, “what do you mean? What did you do, Lillian?”

“I’m so sorry, Robert,” she said quietly as she stepped back, “I sold it to the general store owner.”

His heart stopped, he suddenly felt sick. He stood up slowly, “you _what_?”

She straightened her shoulders and stuck her chin out, “We need the money. I’m sorry.”

“You knew how much- I told you-” Robert shook his head in utter disbelief, “You knew and you sold it anyway!”

“You want to lose me like Charles?” she stepped forward and stared him down. “You think only of yourself, we need the money more than the memories!”

“You took the most important thing I owned, you could've at least asked,” he spat.

“You're too stuck in the past! It's all you ever talk about. You need to look toward your future with me in Oregon!”

Robert shook his head. He had never felt so betrayed in his life. He began to back away from her, shaking his head slowly as he went. “I can't… I can't talk to you right now.”

“Fine!” she yelled, “get out of here then! Come back when you're ready to grow up!”

He stormed through the barn doors, shutting them forcefully. He stomped through the mushy field. The sun had begun it's sink into the horizon, and the shadows had started to elongate. There was a slight chill in the air left over from winter. But Robert barely noticed any of these things. He was headed straight for town.

He was gonna get his gun back.


	7. Tough Luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert sets out to take back what's his

Robert walked into the quiet street as the sun was kissing the deep blue mountains behind him. The sky was bright pink with the clouds streaking orange, leaving every building in a pinky golden glow. 

He marched right up to the general store door and stopped in front of it. He took a deep breath before heading inside. 

The little bell rang overhead, and the man behind the counter turned around and smiled. “Hello son, how can I help you this evening?’ he said. He was an older man, with wrinkles from years of smiling etched on his face. He was portly, bald and had small round glasses sitting on the tip of his nose.

“Hello sir,” Robert said, “me and my mother have just arrived in this town, and she is suffering somethin’ terrible from what we think is scurvy, you got any fresh lemons or oranges?” 

“Oh dear,” the clerk said as he walked out from behind the counter. “You have come at the wrong time of year… we rarely get those citrus fruits here anyways…” the man began to scrooge his shelves for anything that could help.

Robert began to slowly back toward the counter as the man's back was to him. He kept an eye on the man but inched his way to be able to see the hidden shelves. 

There it was! Robert's heart leaped in his chest. Just as his fingers began inching toward it, the clerk stood up and turned around, stopping Robert in his tracks.

“It doesn't look like we have any dried strawberries, I've seen those help, would you come with me to the root cellar? I am sure we have some potatoes down there. Those help as well.”

“Ah- of course sir, t-thank you, anything that will help…” Robert said as he cursed silently.

“It's just out back there. Go ahead, I'll be right behind you.” 

Robert chewed on his lip as he went out the backdoor to the shop, running through every possible scenario in his head. 

Once outside, the man asked, “will you help me with the door? These old bones aren't what they used to be.”

“Course,” Robert grumbled. He grabbed a hold of the cold rusty metal handles and heaved them open. Being sure to wait for the clerk to go in first. 

Robert didn't go in, he rather shut the man inside and took off for the backdoor. He rushed inside and grabbed the gun. As he rushed out the door he looked behind him at the backdoor to make sure he wasn't being followed, but he was looking in the wrong place.

He didn't go through the front door, rather he smashed into a person coming through it. 

Robert watched in dread as a tall, intimidating man with a full graying mustache stared down at him. The shiny badge on the man's chest gleamed in the dying sunlight. Robert frantically looked at the back door, which had just opened with the shop clerk standing in front of it. He was trapped.

The tall lawman glared down at him, “you sure that revolver’s yours son?” he asked in a deep voice.


	8. Not My First Time in a Cage

The sheriff walked Robert into his office with a tight hold on his arm. He didn't struggle, he knew he was beaten. The lawman walked up to the small cell and opened the heavy lock. He pushed Robert inside and shut the door behind him. The store clerk followed the sheriff inside.

The sheriff stepped back and crossed his arms as he looked at him through the bars. His gaze was scrutinizing, Robert felt like all his secrets were out in the open under his watch. 

“Now son, I am Sheriff Lee James of the town of San Luis. I pride myself on making sure every person who sits in that cell gets exactly what he deserves. Is that clear?”

Robert cast his eyes to the worn wooden floors and nodded silently.

“That being said, I would like both of you,” he said as he turned to glance at the clerk, “to tell me exactly what happened. Clarence, you go first.”

The clerk, Clarence, cleared his throat. “Well you see Lee, I bought this fine Navy Colt off this nice young lady who was selling it because her family’s come under hard times y’see. I bought it cause you know how I like to collect antiques.”

Sheriff Lee nodded, “The whole town knows that.”

“Well, yes. I then got this young man coming into my store asking for fruits to help with his mother's scurvy, so I go out in the cellar to look and the next thing I know the doors are shut on me! So I force it open, only to find this boy making off with the gun I just bought!”

The sheriff nodded, “and you boy, what's your name?”

“Jim Callahan,” Robert said without making eye contact.

“Hmm, is that so?”

“Yes sir.”

“Look at me when I’m speaking to you. Tell me why you were making off with his gun.”

Robert sighed, might as well just tell them what they want to hear, maybe it would get him off easier. He doubted they would listen to the truth anyway. “I stole the gun because I wanted to sell it and make money.”

“I find that hard to believe considering there was a whole cash register left unguarded. Why go through the trouble of finding a buyer if you could get just as much if not more money right in front of you?”

“I’m stupid.”

The sheriff narrowed his eyes, “tell me the truth, son.”

Robert closed his eyes and hung his head. He sighed. “That gun was a gift from my brother. It's the last thing I have to remember him by. It was stolen from me by that girl and sold to you. It is the most important thing I own. I just wanted it back and I didn't have the money to pay you for it.”

The sheriff tilted his head and considered him.

“You think he’s telling the truth, Lee?” Clarence asked.

“I reckon he is. Son, can you describe what this girl looked like?”

“She had dark wavy hair, dark olive skin, brown eyes. She's about this tall,” he said holding a hand up to his collarbone.

The sheriff looked over to Clarence, and the shop-keep nodded, “that's the one,” he said.

“Look, I even have the holster on me,” Robert said as he lifted his coat away from his hip to show them.

“Well then,” Lee said, “do you know her besides this?”

Robert shook his head, “No sir, it was just bad luck.”

“Alright. Here's what I reckon I’ll do. You will spend the night in this cell. You still committed theft. People have hung in this town for such an offence. Especially them whose robbed Mr. Harrison. People who do that must have a death wish,” he shook his head in exasperation at the memory. “That man I swear…” turning toward Clarence he said, “That being said Clarence, that gun is most certainly his. He’ll learn his lesson tonight. Is there any way you could be compensated for the money you paid for it?” 

“You don't have any money?” Clarence asked Robert.

Robert shook his head no.

The shopkeeper sighed. “Ah kid, don't worry about it. I’m sure you have it bad enough already. I couldn't keep it now”

Relief flooded through Robert, “oh thank you sir, you have no idea how much it means to me.”

“Course, yeah. I’ll go get it for ya,” he said as he turned out the door.

“...Sheriff what did you say about Mr. Harrison?”

The sheriff groaned, “he's the most ruthless man I’ve met. Acts more like an all powerful king rather than a ranch owner. He brings in business but that's because everyone in this town is terrified of crossing him. And he’s a huge thorn in my side, always trying to get me to hang every person that slights him. I’m surprised you didn't know that.”

“-I’ve heard his name around town, I just didn't really know who he was…”

“Well now you know. Keep your distance from him and his property.”

An unpleasant feeling pooled in Robert's chest. That was the person they had been taking from for the entire winter. He now desperately hoped Mr. Harrison hadn't noticed their thieving. 

Robert leaned his back and head against the cold wooden wall of the call. He groaned and slowly slid down to the floor. There was a knot in his heart, the betrayal, the struggle to survive, the desperate cling to anyone who showed him kindness, and despite it still feeling entirely alone in the world. He hated how this was his life.

A sob threatened to erupt from inside him, but he forced it down. He wasn't gonna cry here.

Clarence came back and dropped the gun off. The sheriff and him exchanged a few words about the state of the town and how the Harrison's were getting out of control, and he was off. The sounds of night slowly crescendoed as the last light of day disappeared over the distant mountains. The moon rose, and Robert watched through the bars as he lay on the hard floor, the beams sweeping slowly across the room. 

The sheriff had left a while ago, and taken the only keys with him. Not that Robert was so desperate to escape his one night stay anyway. He liked the man, he wasn't so quick to judge and was fair with his punishments, unlike others in his profession. He just wished he didn't have to meet the lawman like this. 

Robert listened as a lone coyote howl rang out in the sky outside. He much preferred the night to the day. It seemed more true to how the world was meant to be, especially out in the West. There wasn't the hustle and pandemonium of civilization, the constant need to worry about the people around him. At night he was free to breath. To just listen to the still, calm world. 

Sometime late in the night, Robert finally closed his eyes and fell asleep. 


	9. Getting Out

The clamor of the cell door opening woke Robert. The sunlight caused him to blink. He sat up and stretched.

“Morning, I hope you liked your stay,” Sheriff Lee said as he swung open the door. “I would have let you out sooner, but you were so sound asleep I felt bad about waking you. It's almost ten.”

“I actually do have cause to thank you, Sheriff. This was the best sleep I have had in a long time,” Robert said as he stood and walked through the door. He went over to the table and grabbed his gun. His thumb ran over the familiar engravings on the barrel, and the low burning anxiety he had throughout the night subsided.

“I noticed that it's not loaded,” Lee said as he leaned on the desk and crossed his arms, “You got any ammo for that thing?”

Robert turned toward him, “No, I ran out a long time ago hunting.”

“Let me tell you what, I like you son. You remind me of a younger me. I'm gonna give you some ammo for that thing if you promise me to get out of this town and make a good life for yourself.” 

“Get out huh?...” Robert sighed, “would Oregon be far enough?”

“I guess. I just- see your heart, kid. Not many have one like yours. Don't end up making your life worth nothing.”

Robert blinked. He paused for a moment before responding. “Yes sir,” he said, “I will try,” and he meant it.

The sheriff stuck out his hand, and Robert shook it.

“Now, that being said, don't let me see you in here for anything other than a social call, got it?” 

Robert smiled and nodded. “Yes sir.” They said goodbye and he started to head back out to the outskirts of town toward the barn. Each step he took became heavier. Once the barn got in view he stopped. 

He could just leave now, without Lillian. He could stay in the territory like he wanted and make a life for himself here rather than all the way in Oregon. 

Immediately a wave of guilt swept through him. Lillian wanted him to come with her. She trusted him enough to take him home with her. She wanted to share her life in Oregon with him. It would be selfish to leave her now. Just because he was angry with her doesn't mean he should just abandon her.

He sighed and continued his walk toward the barn. As he got closer, he realized there was a wagon parked outside. Robert began to jog to get there faster and find out what was going on.

Just as he came up to the doors, they opened revealing a bulky man carrying their pile of blankets. Instinctively Robert reached for his gun, “What are you doing here?” he yelled.

The man quickly set the blankets down in the wagon and put his hands up, “whoa whoa kid, easy!”

“Robert wait!” Lillian yelled from behind him. “They're fine! I hired him to transport us to the next town. Put your gun down- Your gun! You have your gun!”

Robert turned toward her. “You were leaving without me?”

She shook her head, “no, I wasn't gonna leave without looking for you, I just didn't get the chance to tell you that I hired this guy to move us for today before you stormed out… where were you? I was worried…”

Robert frowned. “In jail.”

Lillian gasped.

“Cause I stole my gun back.”

“Oh…” she said, “I’m so sorry. Robert I-”

“I don't want to talk about it. Is there anything else that needs to be loaded?”

“...just a few more cans of food. But can we at least talk?” her hand reached out and grasped his arm.

Robert shrugged her hand off him and headed through the doors, “maybe later,” he said. He didn't talk to her again until they were ready to start their journey.


	10. Alone Again

Everything was packed in the back of the small wagon, including Robert and Lillian. He was sure to sit in the opposite corner of the wagon bed as she was. The wagon rumbled down the road away from the decrepit barn and he watched it and the town get smaller and smaller the further they went. He still wasn't sure he was making the right decision in leaving. 

He hadn't said anything to her, he had barely looked at her, and he could tell she was getting anxious. 

“Robert…” she said, “can we please talk? I don't like how this all went down.”

“Then maybe you shouldn't have caused it,” Robert spat.

“Look- I regret selling your gun okay? I said I’m sorry. I didn't know you would get so upset.”

“You knew how important it was to me!” Robert shouted as he turned to face her, “this isn't about the gun, it's- it's that I don't know if I can trust you anymore…”

“I was trying to make money! Do you think I like laying on my back for money? Do you realize how much is at stake for me? I thought you cared about me enough to give up one relic from your past.”

Robert's face was beginning to get hot with emotion, “that's not fair!” he cried through a voice crack, “I do care Lillian, I really do!”

Lillian caught her breath. She shut her eyes and hung her head. “Goddammit,” she breathed, “I know you care… I’m just an awful person, I don't deserve you as a friend.”

Robert was silent. The trees they rolled underneath casted a dark shadow and the road seemed to become bumpier.

“I just- was so afraid of you not coming with me, I think I thought that if I could get you to forget about Charles and the past you would just be with me.”

Robert just sat there in the bumpy wagon bed and stared at her. “Be with you?” he asked.

“...When I kissed you… It wasn't just to get you to shut up.”

He sighed. He saw her heart. She was afraid. She was afraid of being alone, but also afraid of vulnerability. It was her head against her heart. The realist and the idealist warring within her. He couldn't stay angry with her. Especially knowing all of that. 

“...You know that was technically my first kiss,” he said with the hint of a smile.

She smiled back, “you gave me hope that not everyone is as bad as I am, I didn't want to give up that hope. But…” she smirked, “I don't have much hope in your kissing ability.”

Robert's eyebrows went up and his cheeks got hot. His mouth hung open and his heart thudded as he tried to figure out what to say.

Suddenly the wagon came to a stop. Lillian frowned and looked behind her at the driver, “hey why’d we stop?” she asked. She swung her head around and looked at her surroundings. “This isn't even the main road; do you even know where you're going?” 

They had stopped in a secluded grove of pinyon pines and red rock formations. There wasn't any other road in sight. Suddenly the hairs on the back of Robert’s neck stood up, there was something definitely wrong. He reached for his revolver and flicked the safety off quietly. 

“Missy,” the driver said, “Trust me, you're right where I want you two lovebirds.” the man leaned forward and grabbed the rifle at his feet and began to load it. “I've been hired by the Harrisons; you know the hard-working family that you've been robbing throughout the winter? You may have thought you got away with that, but Mr. Harrison noticed, and he ain't happy.”

“Mr. Harrison can go to hell!” Lillian shouted, “he had more than enough to share!”

“Lillian, wait, don’t-” Robert said.

But before he could finish his sentence, the man aimed right for Lillian with his rifle. Robert quickly pulled his gun out and shot at the man wildly, grazing his shoulder, and causing the man to rear over in pain. Effectively giving them the chance to leap off the wagon bed and book it into the trees. 

“C’mon!” Robert yelled as he grabbed Lillian's hand and they ran as fast as they could. Shots rang and whistled through the trees, and the pair ducked at each one. 

“I don't get paid until I have your corpses! You can't run forever!” they heard the man shout from behind them. 

Trees wacked Robert and Lillian in the face and tore their clothes as they ran. Robert looked behind his shoulder and saw a small figure racing after them in the distance through the trees. Just then the bark of a nearby tree exploded from one of the bullets.

His heart was pounding in his ears, he could hear Lillian's labored breathing beside him. They raced through dirt, cactus, and sharp rocks in their desperate escape from the hunter, getting beaten and bruised as they went. 

They were coming up on a tall rock formation, with no other way around but to climb over it. if they were to survive, they had to scale it. 

“You think he can get over that?” Lillian called.

“No! At least not with a rifle! Let’s-” the rest of his sentence was cut off by a scream as he toppled over from a searing pain in his left calf. Rocks tore themselves through his palms and elbows as they caught his fall.

“Robert!” Lillian cried as she came to a halt in front of him and scrambled back to where he landed. 

His leg was on fire, his pant leg was getting a growing red spot. He tried to get to his feet, but the graze had left his leg worthless because of the pain. It buckled beneath him under his weight. He wouldn't be able to scale the rocks. 

“Robert! Oh God, can you walk?!” Lillian exclaimed.

Robert looked into her worried brown eyes. His heart was pounding in his ears, “I-I-can't you have to go over- to your family. get out of here!”

“No!”

“Get out of here, Lil! He’ll kill us both if you don't!” 

“No.” she looked over her shoulder. “I’m going to distract him.”

“No. Go! He’ll kill you!”

Lillian looked at him with resolve. “It's gonna be either you or me.” 

Robert shook his head in panic that she was actually gonna do what he thought she was. 

She put a hand on his cheek and kissed him. “Your heart is good, Robert, the world needs more of you, less of me. Thank you for giving me hope again.” She took off in the direction of the shooter.

“Lillian!” He cried, “Lillian, no!” he watched in horror as she took off down the hill. He could hear her faint shouts to get the shooter's attention, and the man’s angry roar in return.

A shot rang out, and the shouting silenced.

“Lillian!” Robert searched for anything to help him get up and over to her. He clawed at a fallen branch a few feet away and struggled to his feet with the branch’s help.

He started down the hill, but his leg crumpled under the weight, and he slipped in the soft dirt, causing him to tumble down the hill. Banged and bruised, he searched for the stick and found it. Desperately struggling to his feet and inching his way to the source of the shot. 

He limped closer and closer when finally, he saw her body laying in the dirt through the trees. Robert’s heart stopped. For the briefest of moments, he could do nothing but stare. But then his eyes focused on the man walking up to her corpse, rifle in hand.

A hatred and malice he had never felt before flared within him. Without thinking, he pulled Charles’s gun and shot through the man's skull.

The bang of the gun was deafening. The world around him fell silent. His eyes welled up with tears as they lingered on his first kill in numb shock. The man was still sucking air, faintly and weak. But his eyes were unfocused, and bright red as they soaked up the blood dripping out of his skull. His body twitched ever so slightly with each breath as the man tried in vain to hasten his own death.

Robert didn't feel like himself. It surely couldn't have been him who did this to a person. No, it was someone else who pulled the trigger. He was frozen in his own fear of himself as his eyes fixated on the suffering man. Suddenly, Robert hurled over, his body trying everything it could to expel this feeling in him. He didn't look at the man anymore. But he could feel the suffering body on his skin as if it were staring at him. He turned slowly, his fingernails digging into the red dirt as he dragged himself away. 

He stumbled over to Lillian and fell at her side. Her body was bent in an unnatural angle, her dark hair was matted in the gushing red hole in her chest. Her eyes were vacant, staring unfocused at the sky.

“Lillian…” Robert croaked as his hands grabbed her head. He shook her shoulders for any sign that she was still there. Nothing. 

His vision became blurry, and he could only hear his desperate cries for her to wake up. His fingers ran over her cheeks and through her hair, only to end up gently closing her eyes.

He sat beside her for a long time, frozen by grief and pain. Only after he heard the cry of wolves and saw the darkening sky did he limp away in a haze of self-preservation from her body. He grabbed what supplies he could and mounted the horse that was pulling the wagon. He looked one last time at Lillian’s body and rode away. Completely alone once again.


End file.
